Just straight cruisin

Today a friend was pretty harsh with me. They really offended me, out of the blue, passing judgement on my personality on some things that I really didn't feel they had the right to say. Nor was it the kind of place to do it. All of a sudden they were talking about me and how some things I did showed a lack of character.

My first response to this was to get huffy and silent. I didn't really know how to take it and in my mind I got extremely defensive. The normal slew of thoughts ran through my head- how dare they say something like that, certain tough responses that would prove them wrong, and why do I even care anyway.

But that got me to thinking- there are aspects of my personality and my character that I need to work on. I realize that. I should be a little bit more humble, think about things beforehand a bit more. I started actually thinking about what they said and being thankful for it, like I deserved it.

When I told some other friends about it, they were quick to try and make me feel better. I realized then that I'd gotten quite hung up on this encounter today and that in and of itself makes me feel kind of shitty.

How often do I let the remarks and judgements of other people affect me? And how often do I do things just because I know it will please other people or make them see me a certain way? And how do I want to be seen?

What motivates my behaviour and my actions is something that interests me. I've yet to get a clear definition, but I know that a lot of what i do is because society deems it to be the correct thing to do. Or sometimes I do things because I know it isn't the 'norm' but by doing this I just conform to the 'un-norm'.

Why am I in school? I am going to uni to get a degree that will get me a job, that hopefully I will like, but in the meantime I'm accruing all sorts of debt, trying to figure out how I can afford it and wondering why I should. Will a job I get with a uni degree be so much better than one that I could get without it? I'm not very interested in getting a job so that I can just pay for more things and work to live and a job I hate. I read a note on facebook (ew, facebook) recently that talked about how we rely on cars and how its this endless horrible cycle.

People equate having a car as giving them independence and freedom. However, people usually get tied down to a job that they hate having to pay for this car. They need to go to this job to be able to afford this car, that supposedly gave them freedom. Yet they spend all day just typing away a computer or something really lame, then get into their car to go home and relax. When they leave work, its usually with a sense of relief that they day is over- then you dread coming to work the next day.

Do I want to live for those miniscule hours that I am away from work, always dreading the next day because i have to go to something that I hate? Or live for weeks on end dreaming endlessly of my vacations?
I don't want to live for my vacationtime and dreading the everyday.

I know that this all went nowhere. Oh my head.

But truly- I do know that some things need to change. Within and without- I'm not ready to say fuck school. I love learning. But uni has somehow taken things I'm passionate about and made me hate them.

And I need to work on some things.
Its a work in progress. Constantly and endless. But I like it.

Happy Easter and Things I like

Happy Easter!!!

So I dont know why the fonts all strange. But life is good. School is over. I've got a place for the summer. I've got a new plan for the future, figured out some things that I want and how I'm going to plan to get there. We'll see how it all unfolds.

I've been loving the getting up early thing. The air seems cleaner, I feel more refreshed and for some reason, the cool air against my skin makes it feel pure and new. And I feel full of light and hope, like the sun just seeping into the day is seeping into my body, filling me with a realization of all the possibilities that the day is pregnant with.

I love waking up before everyone else and seeing them sleep. A person's face while they sleep shows them with all their pretenses stripped away. It is the most vulnerable and endearing thing, seeing people sleep, curled and defenseless and unguarded.

I also like waking them up, softly, and seeing them open their eyes slowly and revel in the feeling of being warm and soft under the covers. Theres something more real about people in the morning, when they first wake up and get about rising in the morning. Its before they've made themselves up to go out in the world and they're still caught in the webbings of dreams that still could be realized.

A photographer once told me its impossible to be sexy first thing in the morning.

I pointedly have to disagree.

I find those times to be irresistably soft, and more real than nearly any other part of the day. Better in pretty much everything.

Cheesecake with honey and strawberries is amazing. Church today was nice- homey.

I miss my family.

Feeling like I'm wrapped up in a bubble of positive feelings. The world is endless with all the things i could do. I just have to start doing. Thats all there is for me to do. Everythings alright.

Wish I knew how to embed and embellish my blog. I'll learn at some point and make it pretty. I've been obssessed recently with reading other blogs. Time better spent in other ways. But, at the same time, better than spending time stalking people on facebook. That place is poison in my opinion.
Anything you put up there is owned by them.
More than a little degrading.

I need a steady job.
Apart from that, life is perky.

Its the Most Wonderful Time!!!!! of the year....

There's a reason I love the morning so much. I love waking up, the sun radiant on my face, the cool, fresher air of the day unsullied by trouble running over my body, and the sounds of the birds. Its the absolute best way to wake up. To feel every muscle, tight and clenched in sleep, and stretch out long, spreading my toes, feel them pull and collect energy for the day. Such a gorgeous feeling.

I'm relieved because both my big papers are in. I still have work to do, but it seems ridiculously small compared with what I have been doing these past few weeks. The weight off my shoulders is another reason I feel amazing right now.

I've decided that waking up before nine every day is going to become a new goal. At some point I'd like to be getting up at 6:30 every day, but today is a break. I stayed up late last night doing: guess what? Searching the web.

I waste so much time online where I could be doing something constructive.
Goals for right now:
Wake up earlier from now on.
Go on facebook, only once a day, if that much (unless I am waiting for a reply from someone for something)
Answer e-mails within a day or two.

Thats enough for now- though I think that I'm going to start posting more goals from now on. I need little goals, to keep in mind that I'm working towards something. I like lists, even of little things. Its so satisfying to cross something off that you've accomplished.

On a more sour note, the birds that I woke up to today were the family of pigeons. I thought they sounded weird because their warbling was coming from the wrong end of the roof, away from the nest that they've guarded through rain, wind, and snowstorms in the gutter. And indeed they were at the wrong end. And in the nest there was this little tousled yellow thing, curled in an odd position. I think that its dead-such is life I know, but its a sobering, sad thing.

Move for Where the Wild Things Are is coming out. !

Must see that.

Scatter Brained

April fools! My body is playing tricks on me and I dont like it. Today my leg decided to conk out on me- it just wouldn't work. I sat there in class, trying to flex my foot and it wouldnt move. I was utterly horrified and envisioned the loss of my leg, going through a series of panic modes. Its funny when your body refuses to do something that your mind is telling it to you. I was desperately saying move move move and it wouldnt budge. It took me back to this frustrating summer, when my leg was incapacitated from surgery and I hated being attached to it. It was the same leg. At least I could move it a little bit during the summer- I mean it was painful, and it would hardly move, but it would acknowledge the fact that I wanted it to.
This afternoon there was no response. For all that I knew some pulley had snapped in my leg and the wires that magically carry my brain waves to my leg were going haywire. I grabbed onto my friends arm and said desperately "my leg won't move. Somethings wrong with it.." I was on the verge of falling out of my seat- exerting all my brain power into getting my foot to so much as twitch, whilst it just sat there, feeling like a slab of stone. " Its really not moving. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO" As my notebook falls off the desk and my foot decides to lift.
oh.
ok
When I thought about making dinner tonight, I thought, cool, I'll have eggs. Should I have 3 or 4. Or maybe 3 and a half...
um
I think I should take a hiatus from trying to function, because I'm just not working right now.